as i sit here and ponder how on earth my life has managed to get to this point, there is one thing that i muse upon the most... am i happy...? for the past few years, i think i have been happier than i was back home when i felt like i was stuck in a rut. coming out to HK has been an experience, good or bad will depend on what happens later really... right now, i feel as though i'm quite blessed... i have a job that i like doing (although it is definitely a lot tougher than i first thought), i have a gf who treats me nice (when she's not angry at me) and for a change, i feel as though i'm doing something and slowly but surely moving forwards... but... forwards to where? right now, in my current state of mind, i'm just thinking death... i'm so tired today, i have been working my ass off all week, but instead of a nice reward, all i have at the end of it, is a body that is threatening to shut down on me, everything at the edge of my vision oscillating and a throbbing headache. how did things go so badly... at the start of the week, i was in control and by the end of it, everything was so out of whack, i barely have an idea where i am or what i'm doing.

is it bad that lately i've been wondering what it would've been like if i was never born at all? and is it worse if i think that the world would be a better place without me in it...? my presence here doesn't seem to be benefiting anyone... least of all me...

but the sad fact is that i have been born... and rather than wallowing in self pity, i should be doing things to rectify whatever crudhole i've fallen into this time... 

it seems i've been messing things up quite a lot lately, so really i should work towards not messing things up.. sigh... no wonder i feel like such a failure...

I am and always have been a strong believer of human kindness and today I have been rewarded for my belief of this long, lost trait... In a moment of stupidity I dropped my wallet in a taxi on the way home tonight, unfortunately for me I had 2 credit cards, 2 debit cards, UK driver's license (i'm in Hong Kong), HK ID card, China ID card, registered Octopus card (the HK equivalent of the Oyster card in the UK), about HK$300 and some other sentimental stuff inside it...

I was livid. I've never dropped my wallet before and it is a terrible feeling. My whole identity was in there for the taking and it was out there in the wild... after all my huffing and puffing and tantrums, I finally settled down to call up the various hotlines to cancel this card and that... cursing profoundly at myself for such a stupid occurance.

and then I got a phonecall from the police telling me they had my wallet

I was so happy and relieved. Apparantly a Mr Chan had taken the taxi after me and found my wallet, then took it to the police station (at 1am no less). Which just goes to show that this world still has some good people left. I got there shortly after he had left, so I couldn't thank him personally. But I do thank him from the bottom of my heart. I know that if I myself ever found a wallet on the street, I would take it to the police too and I am so glad that someone else out there has done this tonight. It just goes to show that the milk of human kindness is still out there and I hope that it continues to flow.

Thank you Mr Chan, wherever you may be. 

i don't know what's wrong... how many times have i said that lately? it seems everything stems from that fundamental statement... none of the decisions i make seem to be the correct ones... why? what am i doing wrong? i don't understand... all i know is that i am feeling a deep pain within and it's something not physical... i wish it would go away, but it won't and i don't know how to make it go away...

...a lot of problems have arisen from me being social, so i guess the only solution is to withdraw and hide, lock myself away and throw away the key... i've been progressively becoming more and more miserable and while i plummet into the dark recesses of self-pity, i sigh.

"what have i done?"

there's only one way out of this darkness but yet, she is the one i have upset...

i don't know how to fix this, but i really wish it to be fixed.... : (

*edit: i guess it was a matter of me being me... so for this to be fixed, i just have to not be me for a while... see how that works out... 

As I continue walking this path before me, I know that I must keep going. There is a light up ahead which seems to offer a glimmer of hope in this darkness that has engulfed me. I feel a shadowy hand stroking my heart, tugging it downwards, coercing me to a comforting despair. As I walk towards the light, it feels as though the light is forever fading, and even though I move closer, the light moves ever further...
... ... ... ... my walk falters, winding down to a stumble... if i stop, the darkness will claim me and I will be lost forever, so there is nothing else for me to do, but to keep on shuffling toward that tiny glimmer and hope it becomes more than that...

i just don't get it... how can the person you love turn so visciously cold in the blink of an eye? what have i done to deserve this? what have i done to have my love ripped away from me?

 i wish i could turn back time and freeze it at the moment where we were happiest... i just think back to that time and it makes me hurt inside... because it's far from that now... i'm left here, writhing to a pain that i cannot stop... not on my own anyways.

...why has it turned to this? : (

Once upon a time, there was an ice cube that lived his life as well as he could. He wasn’t a particularly smart ice cube, and he would do some rather silly things at times but that was his nature. One day, he met a bright burning flame and found that he was hit with a wave of devotion. From the moment he met the flame, he knew he had to be with her.

After a time, the flame finally let down her guard and let him get close to her and all was good. The ice cube was content; he was happy; he was elated; he was in heaven.

Then, as time grew by, the ice cube found that the flame’s heat was slowly melting him. Drop by drop he was losing more and more of himself. He knew this was a problem, but he kept his resolve; even as he was losing himself, he was gaining the greatest thing of all... love.

For a while, the ice cube found that he could maintain himself, as long as he knew it was happening, but the flame began to grow hotter, more explosive. The ice cube never knew when it was coming, and the intervals of intensity were becoming more frequent taking more of him with it. The ice cube recoiled each time it happened, tried to put up his defenses, but to no avail... he began melting at a greater rate. If he couldn't stop this, he would be nothing more than mist...
The flame didn’t mean to intensify, but she was a flame after all, and a single flame can spread into an inferno without warning. The ice cube knew this, but he could not shirk away. He knew what his heart was telling him, and he knew that he had to fight to keep his love. But as time passed, the ice cube became demoralised; nothing he did could prevent the flame from burning brighter. As he lost more and more of himself to the flame, he started to believe that the matter was hopeless.

Until…

It came to him. Despite the flame’s nature, there was a way to contain a flame! As long as the flame remained small, the heat emanating from her would be insubstantial and the ice cube wouldn’t melt! All they needed to do was to take away anything that could burn from around her; all they needed was the ice cube to douse the spreading fires.

And so they initiated their plan. Each time the flame began to burn harder, the ice cube would melt a little and the flame would allow him to douse her to stop her from becoming too volatile. The ice cube smiled inwardly, happiness had returned to him. Nothing he had done on his own could stop himself from melting away, but working together, as a whole, the flame and the ice cube did it; they had stopped the deadly heat from spreading too rapidly. Through a combination of teamwork and compromise, the two could become one, saving them and allowing their love to be the only thing that burned for each other.

And so it was, they lived, happily ever after.

The End.